Category Archives: Humor

April Fool’s Day Politics…the only sane response…

It has become clear that the nation has a lot of idiots and a lot of lunatics. Far too many in fact. I think it’s safe to say that sane intelligent people are the minority. But worse is that the dim and loons are so fragmented that they will never get along with each other. Sadly the only choice is to carve up the nation into different factions. Nothing less will do if we want to avoid the bloody business of civil war (who are we kidding even carving it up will still lead to some war, but we’ll get to that later).

I think due to the myriad of candidates we have had it’s fair to say that we can judge exactly which groups there are out there and each head of these groups will be the new chief executive of each new nation.

I propose a distribution that follows the following map (we can of course do some swaps of individual counties but these more or less follow the population distribution of support for each given candidate).
The new nations and their chief executives are as follows

People’s Republic of New England–Premier Bernie Sanders
The Trump Empire–The Divine Emperor Donald Trump
Progressivania–Prime Minister Hillary Clinton
The Confederate States of ‘Murica–Pres Ted Cruz
The Neoconservative States of America–President Marco Rubio
Lower Canada–Best Bud John Kasich
The Anarchic States of Fuck You–First Citizen Rand Paul (let’s be honest “libertarians” are a fairly anti-social bunch and would want to make it clear that non-libertarians are not welcome)

usa50out.png
Now this break down does a few things. It gives everyone access to a major water way to everyone.  It protects all the xenophobics from having to touch those evil, evil brown people.  It keeps Trump in the traditional home of racism. It keeps the neoconservatives with access to both oceans as they the only ones who will actually want to defend the oceans. Granted the NCSA has more oil but it has less infrastructure and farmland. The Trump Empire and CSM more factories and infrastructure but their economic policies will solve that shortly.  PRNE has more rich white liberals, but they’ll move when they have to live through what they advocate (or at least try to). The ASFU is colder and doesn’t have much, but the residents will be too stoned to care (not that everyone there will be a drug addict but the contact high alone will effect everyone).

So the only thing that’s really to divvy up is military infrastructure. I think Air Force, Army, and Marines can be equally divided up, but Trump, PRNE and ASFU should not have a Navy (libertarians have no use for it, Trump and PRNE wants nothing to do with those dirty foreigners, not to mention I think we all fear they would want to spread their evil). Progressivania, The CSM, and Lower Canada can each have one carrier group to defend themselves and still feel relevant, the other 7 groups will go to the NCSA as they’re the only one who will want to use it for the defense of liberty around the world.  Nuclear weapons will be divided in similar fashion (we can all agree the commies and fascists can’t be allowed to have nukes, if the libertarians want some they can have them some, but they won’t.)

Two years will be given for everyone to move to the state they want…most of the nation’s people won’t bother because most of the nation thinks politics is pointless and has no effect on their lives…they will soon learn the error of that mistake.

So let’s talk about the changes to structure of the Constitution and policies each government will put in place.

The Anarchic States
The Anarchic states will at first change their Constitution to guarantee private property rights to such a degree that even Adam Smith and Milton Friedman would be worried.  Of course they will also abolish all forms of patents and copyrights as modern libertarians hate those things…drugs being legal is a given.

Initially there will be boom of economics followed by a crash as no major companies will actually want to stay in a place where their copyrights and patents aren’t protected (and few foreign trading partners will want to have anything to do with them either with such little protection for IP beyond the sale of basic goods).  Further as there will be no bureaucracy to register property or marriage or anything like that the Anarchic states will soon find their economy looking like former Soviet Bloc nations that had similar lack of government infrastructure.  Initially the residents will not notice as they’ll be too high (either by choice or the contact high) but as the place stops looking like a frat on an early Friday night and starts looking more and more like a used crack den what little economy is left will disappear.

A few of the more intelligent libertarians will pragmatically realize they’ve gone too far and some government needs to be put in place but the rest of the body politic will be too stoned to care and the intelligent will try and move to Lower Canada, Murica or the NCSA.

People’s Republic of New England
The Constitutional protection for private property will of course be abolished…but will be replaced with a right to free healthcare, free education for however many graduate degrees in things like feminist basket weaving and privilege studies you could wish, free housing, guaranteed employment if you want it but a living wage no matter what, guaranteed 20 weeks vacation, guaranteed medical leave, parental leave, leave for days when you just don’t feel like it, and a constitutional guarantee that you will be loved.

Of course a welfare state that would make Mao think it was a little crazy will be immediately put in place.

This will of course lead to complete and total economic collapse that will make Venezuela look like a vacation resort.

Like most virulently socialist regimes they’ll soon try to compensate for this loss of income by invading other nations.  But as the libertarians to the North and the fascists to the West will be too gun happy they’ll of course turn to the only nation that doesn’t pose a major threat…Canada.  But even Trudeau will be able to turn them around.  Thus the People’s Republic will collapse.

The Trump Empire
Here the great Emperor will at first model the new government off of Rome making himself with only one Senate (all members appointed by him) himself a member of the Senate, the executive, the judiciary, the head of the church and the Commander-in-Chief.
There will be nothing else.
Borders will be closed.  Foreign trade will be abolished.
Deportation squads in shiny white uniforms will be created.
Soon the Senate will be abolished and control handed over to regional governors…fear will keep the people in line.

The minorities who supported Trump will soon regret that choice as they will find themselves the workforce of Trump Empire…whether they want to be or not.
Trump will of course pronounce an early victory in stating he has eliminated all Jews from the Empire…because none of them were dumb enough to stay (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice).

Economic output will at first be very high (slave labor is cheap and effective if you’re evil enough to use it)…but of course there will be flaws after a few years, and the Empire will need breathing room.  And while Murica will initially be too well defended, the People’s Republic, the Anarchic States and Quebec will soon fall (mainly because even Canada won’t mind too much that the damn French get taken out).  But soon they will turn their eyes on…

Lower Canada
Lower Canada will pretty much run thing like they’re going now in the USA.  There will be increase to welfare spending, and they will continue the slow death spiral (halted only very slightly by the fact that they will have no foreign military budget to speak of…but most of that will be taken out by the increase in worthless foreign aid that thinks the answer is just throw money at the problem).

They will be invaded by the Trump Empire within about 7 years however and while putting up a valiant 5 minute struggle, like the French before them.  They will fall.

This will of course present a problem for…

The Confederate States of ‘Murica
Initially the Confederate states will grant more power to the states, the power for states to veto laws, the power for the Senate to review executive orders, stronger controls on the executive branch, reaffirming of property and individual rights and a lot of other good things.  However, because of the Judiciary, because you just can’t trust those activist judges, will be gutted of power the powers to interpret law will actually move to the executive branch in charge of implementing those laws as no other branch with the power to interpret law will be there to stop them.  Also as term limits will be put in, as has been seen in every Republic with strong limits on the legislature, the executive branch will benefit and gather even more power.  Initially this will not be a problem…and were it not for the Trump Empire then ‘Murica could probably have seen something like the economic boom of the 90’s again lasting maybe even two decades.

But as they have created a recipe for an executive that cannot by checked by the other branches…like the other Confederacy in time of crisis it will turn quickly into a tyranny and in the face of war all liberties will be suspended in defense against the Trump Empire.  You might have thought this was building up to WWIII…it’s not.

The fact is that these first nations were all so isolationist that no one in the world would be their allies so it would remain a matter within their own borders.  And the weakness presented by the slugfest of a war between them would provide ISIS and the rest of the Islamofascists in the world the perfect weakness to come and attack so being the magnet that draws the poison out of the rest of the world isn’t going to piss off anybody else either.  It will be a new Syria…and this time turnabout will be fair play and nobody is going to take refugees from this conflict.

About 15 years after the nation is split apart these two nations will have all but destroyed each other’s populations and most of their infrastructure (although at least Murica will never use nukes against civilian populations.

Not that the fall of Murica is completely the fault of the Trump Empire.  As the populist desire to strip government of it’s power will lead inevitably to a dictatorial leader, and the factionalism inherent in populism will lead to social collapse…their death warrant was already signed, Trump just hastened it.

Shifting to the other coast…
Progressivania under Hillary Clinton will become like any Western European mildly socialist haven…but without the USA to prop it up it will start falling apart within only a year or so (they’ll also be a tempting target for ISIS and their ilk and won’t have the spine to do anything to stop them)…especially after the refugees from the People’s Republic start streaming in.

They will luckily be temporarily bailed out as with each economic crisis the NCSA will buy up large tracks of land from Progressivania.  Which is also what will keep Muria propped up for a while.

You see, The NeoConservative States of America will be just what its name suggests: Neoconservative.  The first that will be done is a complete capitalist overhaul of the government.  Like Murica you will have strengthening of property and states rights, a lowering of bureaucracy and taxation, and a restoration of checks on the branches of government…unlike Murica you won’t have a disregard to the balance part of checks and balances and the three branches will be more co-equal (but with the most power in the legislature) again not set up to favor the executive.  You will likely see Senators return to being elected by states not the public and a slow deliberate legislation process will return to America.

Also the NCSA gets the land bordering Mexico because unlike every other nation here, they won’t be xenophobes and will actually welcome immigrants from the world over.  This along with the capitalistic reforms that will almost immediately come out of the federal government will produce a Renaissance in innovation and economics that will make what were once the least populated states in the union an economic super power that will laugh at China.

Unlike most of the other nations which will torment and possibly execute what are now illegal aliens, the NCSA will offer them a path to citizenship at the price of four years of military service (thus solving the man power problem that would come in in trying to keep up the previous US commitments worldwide that only the NCSA will be concerned with honoring)…though this man power shortage will be short lived as economic super powers always drawn legal immigrants who want to be a part of the nation and culture that rewards skill and genius.  And not hating people who are different the NCSA will welcome them.
Not being hindered by the populists, fascists, and isolationists, long term foreign policy will be enacted and Marshall Plan like rebuilding programs will be put in place that will make our current deployments stable and drive back ISIS (they’ll survive for a while only because they’ll have so many new targets with such idiotic leaders).  With the massive revenue that will be coming in (despite low income taxes and no corporate, capital gains, death or VAT taxes or tariffs) they’ll be more than willing to buy up land from the failing nations around it…first the eastern portion of California and the Pacific Northwest, then the California central valley…then probably Alaska and Hawaii…

The Trump Empire will foolishly try to invade (big mistake) and the fascists will first be route out of Lower Canada (which will be annexed…only makes sense as most of the inhabitants will have been slaughtered in the Trump labor camps) and then having had enough of this crap will take back the all the other land that the Empire once held…this time not making the mistake of FDR and Trump and making sure that not a single Nazi is left to return.

Murica, in true Texas fashion, finding it cannot stand on it’s own, will offer to be annexed by the only adult in sight.

Finally Progressivania having become an third world nation will collapse and the NSCA will take over in a humanitarian effort to stem the suffering…at this point they’ll return to their proper name, the United States of America…sans a bunch of idiots.

What makes this an April Fool’s day post?  The fact that everything I just said is more rational than the freak show we currently have going on.  And that is either a cosmic joke or just sad.

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April Fools Day Post: In praise of the BUREAUCRAT

bureaucracybrazil
This April the First I thought we should give praise to that wonderful civil servant who thanklessly makes our lives better: The Bureaucrat.  The Bureaucrat is the most wonderful being in our government, a gift from God I am sure.  Effective, caring, beneficial and needed.  Never could any sane soul say that these are people who deserve to have their heads bashed in with a crowbar or that they ruin ever aspect our lives.   We need bureaucrats, and we need them in every aspect of our lives.  So I come not today to revile bureaucrats, but to praise them.

What would our lives be without the Bureaucrat?  It would certainly be far more expensive.  I mean it’s not like bureaucrats cost us billions upon billions of dollars in red tape.  No, because of bureaucracy every single aspect of our lives is almost certainly cheaper.  I mean can you imagine how much more expensive it would be if you did not have to seek permission from three different state agencies (at best) just to set up a small business.  How much more expensive would it be if you didn’t have to go back and forth from one government office to another, as you always get clear concise, non-contradictory answers from all the branches.  I can’t imagine how much more expensive things would be—they are so helpful giving concise directions/instruction and guiding you to the next step.

And without the bureaucrat, who would protect us.  I mean there are literally small children out there looking to sell lemonade without a business license, without filing the proper tax paperwork, without letting the health department inspect their kitchen, without filing with the labor board, and without making sure they are working in an area zoned for commerce. Without bureaucrats who would be there to fine these little wannabe anarchists and murderers.  I mean honestly can you think of anything more sociopathic and devoid of all ethics than a small child attempting to sell lemonade. Thank god we have bureaucrats to stop the madness and end the sociopathic behavior almost indicative of Nazism.  I mean think about it, if you were looking for how someone who would have been in the Gestapo during the Nazi regime and transplanted them into modern America, what would they be doing to still get their jollies off, hurting others without reason, gains glee from acting as inhuman as possible…they’d be selling lemonade without a permit.    And don’t get me started on those psychopaths who think that they don’t need a license to braid hair or teach yoga.  If it weren’t for bureaucrats what would we do in the face of such evil?

And let’s be honest, there is not a smarter bunch of people. One might worry that a job known for hiring felons; that you only need a high school diploma for and from which it is a labor of Hercules to fire for gross incompetence might attract the kind of people who would get fired from McDonald’s…but no there is no brighter group than the bureaucrat.  I mean who else could have been bright enough to hire so noble a patriot as Snowden, who had made it clear on several public internet sites that he had the intention of committing treason, to have full access to all of our secrets.  Only the bureaucrat my friends.  Only the kind of intelligence that would leave us mere mortals with a sense of dread and awe to behold it.  Faced next to the bureaucrat our minds pale in comparison.  Just look at their superior logic; that is beyond our feeble brains.  Only a bureaucrat has the prowess to understand that a city ordinance requiring you to cut down a tree and a county ordinance threatening you with a fine if you cut down said tree is perfectly fine.  Your petty mind may recoil at such things, but not the superior mind of the bureaucrat.  And this is why they are entitled to life-long jobs with little supervision, they are just better than us. Remember that the normal subtleties of life are beyond the masses comprehension

And speaking of them being better than us.  Do not forget that they are above suspicion.  And if the feeble minded dare question them then the feeble minded should be shamed and possibly fined.  These are the most honest people which is why so many are not required to pay taxes.

And let us not forget that they protect us in other ways.  For instance there are people with terminal diseases out there who think that just because they’re guaranteed to die long and painful deaths they have nothing to risk by taking experimental drugs that could cure them.  Silly people.  Were it not for bureaucrats these people with fatal diseases could take something that might kill them.

And have you ever seen a more honest group of people.  I mean when the hard-drives at the IRS all crashed at the same time, it was the noble bureaucrats at the IRS who told the American public that they were having technical problems.  They could have tried to hide it for months on end, but did they?  Did they?  I think we all know the answer when dealing with this group of moral pillars.

And there are things out there that could hurt you, like dating services and guns and travel clubs and pornography and buying coins…but thankfully through the brave efforts of bureaucrats in Operation Choke Point bureaucrats have done what they knew to be right and used pressure to tell banks to close bank accounts for people who have these kinds of business so they could not possibly do business.  Did bureaucrats wait for laws to be passed to give them the power to do these things? No.  Did they care that doing so was a major violation of the law?  Not in the least.  Why?  Because they care about you and they know far better than you what is good for you.  They alone know that you aren’t mature enough to handle guns…unlike our fast and furious friends to the South, who bureaucrats know are such wonderful people they need more guns.

Did I mention humble?  Oh what a humble bunch.  For people who know that not only is their word law, but that they are above the law.  But do they lord it over people by declaring that ugly fish are more important than people?  Do they act like they’re superiors by coming up with fake lists of patients seen while people die?  Do they treat Native Americans like children for over a century creating a culture of dependency?  Do they treat your time dismissively by spending hours looking at porn in the office?  Do they make you wait in endless lines, show no sympathy for your plight and reject paper for even the slightest flaw which common sense could clearly correct on the spot…I think we all know that answer of how these humble warriors are always looking out for us.

And let’s be honest we’re never safer than in the hands of the bureaucracy. I mean it’s not like there is actually a word for government employees looking to shoot up innocent people, I mean you’d have to go completely postal to believe that.

No, let us get down on our knees and thank our wonderful bureaucrats (really we have to, they’re cracking the whip right now) and dismiss those who say that more than term limits on politicians there needs to be term limits for bureaucrats, let us reject the foolish call for more oversight and harsher punishment for bureaucrats who break the law (as if such a thing would ever happen), let us perish the thought of hiring freeze and attrition, and certainly diminish the idea of firing them wholesale.  I mean it’s not like their unions paid politicians off to give them pensions so outrageous they will bankrupt every state, county and city in America given enough time.
bureaucracy
Let us remember that without bureaucrats Congress, the president, state legislatures, the attorney general, none of them could get done what they do without bureaucrats carrying out their every order.  Their noble work would never be accomplished without bureaucrats following and doing as they were told without question and with the patriotic zeal that never seeks to stop the free-market, or just human interaction— without them we would be nothing.

I dream of the day when all children desire and strive to be part of that holiest of holy groups – the BUREAUCRAT!

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April Fool’s Day Post: Secret Documents Reveal Democratic Plan to Undermine the Right From Within

Exclusive, The Conservative New Ager has, this April Fool’s Day, been shown recently uncovered documents that show conclusively that the Republican Party has been infiltrated by liberal moles hell-bent on destroying the Republican Party from within.

 

What’s this you say? Liberal infiltrators within the Republican Party? Yes!

 

And no I’m not just referring to the fact that liberals have been heavily funding “libertarian” candidates to divide votes against conservatives. No the plan appears, according to these documents, to go much further (beginning with the open push for open primaries – we now see the underlying liberal reasoning).

 

While the documents do not list exactly who is involved or where money is being funneled to, the plans and tactics for the double agents are laid out clearly. For instance, one document states:

 

Liberal infiltrators are to always bring up abortion.   Polls show that while Americans are not in favor of the Democratic position of abortion on demand at tax payer expense, the natural American tendency toward liberty finds it even more offensive to claim “”If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”. Gallup studies have shown that despite claims otherwise, 71% of Republicans favor keeping abortion legal in one form or another…yet a vocal minority within the Republican party, which these documents show are on liberal payrolls, are hammering a point that in no way appeals even to the base of the Republican party and certainly not to the majority of voters. Further these documents suggest that DNC forces have also paid off the media to only cover these infiltrators which explain why the media gives these comments so much play and not real fiscal comments from the Republican Party. These liberal infiltrators have started even attacking what the vast majority of Republicans and independents believe is a valid purpose of abortion, aborting children with severe medical challenges to spare them the living hell of a

Dinner?

Hmmm….

life like that. Further these liberal infiltrators are being paid to make Republicans look mentally challenged by suggesting that abortion is the cause of our economic woes with truly brain dead statements like “The reason Social Security is in big trouble is we don’t have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion, because one in three pregnancies ends in abortion.” Quotes this insane assumes that conservatives believe that children have one purpose – to support the elderly – which if that isn’t the ring of liberal propaganda then what is… there is nothing there about the conservative beliefs in individualism, personal responsibility and freedom of choice – whatever those repercussions are.

 

These documents were obtained in light of the fact that despite being a traitor worthy of hanging for his crimes, Edward Snowden did reveal what liberals consider data security. The field agents of the Conservative New Ager just strolled into the DNC headquarters and asked for access to the computer systems claiming to be tech people called in to repair an unspecified problem. The stoned hippie behind the desk was apparently more than helpful in providing our investigative team with all the documents they needed.

 

As such deep cover agents have been sent into the Republican Party to pose as conservatives, they work tirelessly to offend moderates and even Republicans as liberals are desperate to get votes for themselves or at least deprive Republicans of votes by having those voters veer towards the perpetual waste of a vote known as the Libertarian party.

 

In addition to the abortion issues, similar DNC drafted talking points for these infiltrators include making statements against gay marriage (when the majority of moderate and even conservative voters would rather you just get government out of religion and just have legal civil unions for everyone) or focusing on other issues that any idiot would know would not drive moderates away.

 

It is unclear exactly who in the Democrat Party came up with this plan and who is funding it (or even that anyone at the DNC could possibly have the foresight to think up something this clever)…or who in the Republican Party was too stupid to not notice what was going on. But as insiders begin to comb over the paperwork it becomes clear that this is the only thing keeping the Democratic Party alive as the Republicans would sway the vast majority of independents and libertarians if they were just running on conservative economic values.

 

Documents do not make it clear exactly who these people are but there are clues within the paperwork. For instance one such infiltrator is listed as a former Governor who during their term of office threatened violate contract law (something conservatives hold as sacrosanct) with contracts the state held with private corporations, raised taxes on those corporations, encouraged large federal spending projects to nowhere, advocated that the budget to the Department of Education be expanded, endorses the worst candidates (even liberal scum) whenever possible, and takes government subsidy money for their TV shows. One wonders how moderates could be so dumb to accept such a clearly vile liberal shill as a conservative, but you betcha they are just that dumb.

 

Other infiltrators are suggested to have endorsed arming al-Qaeda in Syria. One even appears to be a massive closet case who never met a government spending program or bribe he didn’t like.

 

To spot these liberal infiltrators according to these documents, the following positions should be noticed:

(1)  They make wild baseless claims about abortion rather than just pushing to end all government funding of it.

(2)  They believe that gay marriage is an abomination rather than the conservative belief that government should get out religion, and only do civil unions for any two consenting adults leaving marriage to religion and religion alone.

(3)  They attack other Republicans.

(4)  They treat conservatism as a belief that can only exist within Christianity despite the fact that the moral basis for conservatism can be found in just about every religion on Earth.

(5)  They attack corporations as something inherently evil or do not hold other basic conservative/capitalist views like the sacrosanct nature of contracts – personal property rights.

(6)  They speak in terms of populism accidentally dropping liberal talking points like “living wage” or feel that competition is a bad thing.

(7)  Having no understanding of the difference between the idiotic federal Race to the Top (Obama’s plan) and the intelligent state led Common Core standards and treating them as if they’re the same thing.

It is almost certain that anyone who traffics in statements like this is clearly on the DNC payroll and following their direction/talking points.

 

When informed of this GOP chair Reince Preibus stated that, “When you think about it this actually makes sense. I mean the only other option would be that the Republican Party was laced with absolutely suicidal morons who don’t understand the principles of real conservatism and have no desire to win….wait what, this is an April Fool’s Day post and none of this ever happened. We actually have a minority of the party that really are that dumb? Well shit. We’re doomed aren’t we?”

 

Well shit indeed. Guess we had better start teaching true conservatives ideals starting with fiscal responsibility.

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TV Shows for Conservatives (and everyone else)…a show all must watch!: Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld

Remember when I said we should help expose middle ground people to conservative ideas not necessarily through hard line news and books on economics, but through things that have conservative themes…

Red Eye w: Greg Gutfeld

Well I give you Red Eye, a news show funnier than the Daily Show, wittier than Colbert and it’s so sharp it if were a were a pair of scissors I would warn you to not run with it.

The show consists of conservative Greg Gutfeld, possibly the only man as funny as Dennis Miller, his repulsive side kick, sequential hermaphrodite, liberal Bill Schultz, and the pre-game, halftime and post-game wrap up with libertarian, TV’s Andy Levy.   (Think there were a lot of inside jokes there, there were…like Fluffy McNutter and Pinch).  Then the cast will be joined by 3 guests who span the political spectrum and while they discuss the news they say some of the most outrageous things you’ll ever here on TV.  This is show Ann Coulter goes on so she can appear the most calm and polite person in the world.

New York Times Correspondent Pinch

Still smarter than Red Eye guest Paul Mecurio

You should TIVO this thing religiously (3AM Eastern on FOXNews…yeah they have to bury it that late at night with some of the things they say) and once you get hooked you will never stop watching.

Fluffy McNutter Red EyeAnd then you need to introduce everyone you know to this shows…and slowly they will not only get balanced discussion on issues (from some very unbalanced people) but they will laugh until they cry.

Don’t believe me….
You can listen to them call former CIA agent and President of Security Firm Diligence Mike Baker the father of ugly racist children who must be put down…and Mike seems to not disagree…

Every night halfway through the show the guests are told if they got anything wrong by Red Eye Ombudsman TV’s Andy Levy’s in the Half Time Report

Sometimes we have guest Ombudsmen which leads to moments like this from Jesse Joyce and Dana Vachon

Every episode used to include a Gregalogue…it’s a monologue with Greg…and if you don’t agree with Greg then you are WORSE THAN HITLER!!!!!

Mike Baker’s halftime always include a bizarre number of charts…

Here are the Best Moments of 2011…I personally love Andy’s apology to rapper Chris Brown.

And then there was the first time Bob Beckel  was on Red Eye which included some of the strangest moments in Red Eye (and quite frankly TV’s history).

Lines such as:

“I get all my strength and wisdom from my love of cats, Bob.”

“Drugs, I can’t do them anymore but you still can.”

“I was just going to say I locked away a whole kilo of cocaine in a safety deposit box with 25 thousand and I can’t find it. It’sbeen 12 years.”

Fox often tries to take this clip down (can’t imagine why with admissions like that, but this page seems fairly stable if the video above isn’t working.

And who can forget the “Lightning Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooound”

Or you can see the Old Spice Guy pick up Ann Coulter for a Valentine’s date.


And the regularly has the lovely Jedediah Bila (beauty and brains) who regularly makes the correct point that anything Obama does is grounds for his impeachment.

And at 2:20 on this video we find out what Andy really thinks of Bill…

Also you have Paul Mecurio,regular guest who in all the years I have watched him, has yet to say anything even vaguely intelligent.  Monkeys at typewriters will produce the complete works of Steinbeck before Paul says anything even remotely intelligent.

And if you’re still not convinced…here’s a full episode.

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The Great Greg Gutfeld at The Reagan Library

The first 8 minutes is dead air, but if you skip that it is a great speech by the most under-appreciated personality on the right.

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Filed under Capitalism, character, Conservative, Evils of Liberalism, GOP, Government is useless, Humor, Patriotism, People Are Stupid, politics, Popular Culture, Ronald Reagan, Tea Party

Mighty Obama at Debate

The Outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Democratic gang that day:

The score stood 50 to 46, with but one month more to play.

And then when Maddow died on air, and Cutter did the same,

A sickly silence fell upon the donors of the gang.

A moderate few got up to go in long delayed realization. Those who only whined

Clung to that stupidity which springs eternal within the liberal mind;

They thought, if only Obama could get but a whack at Mitt-

We’d put up even money, now, with Obama in his chair.

But Alexrod preceded Obama, as did also Lawrence O’Donnell

And the former was a cuckoo and the latter was a ditz;

So upon that entitlement gathering multitude grimly watched the end of Obamacare,

For there seemed but little chance of Obama filling that empty chair.

But Alexrod let drive a bullshit lie that was believed only in states of blue,

And O’Donnell, the much enthralled, tore the cover off his claims of true;

And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,

There was Alexrod safe from facts and O’Donnell quite absurd.

Then from 500 people still watching MSNBC there rose a vapid yell;

It rumbled through the entitlement offices, it rattled like an Embassy being shelled;

It knocked upon the mountain that is Obamacare and recoiled those getting welfare

For Obama, mighty Obama, was advancing to his chair

There was ease in Obama’s manner as he strutted into his place;

There was arrogance in Obama’s bearing and a smirk on Obama’s face.

And when, responding to the cheers, he smugly glared at Mitt,

No stranger in the crowd could doubt ’twas Obama and his bullshit.

Ten million eyes were on him as he showered himself with praise;

Five thousand tongues applauded while the Middle East was ablaze.

Then while the withering moderator let the first question zip,

Defiance gleamed in Obama’s eye, a sneer curled Obama’s lip.

And now fact laden challenger came knowledgably across the stage,

Needs a teleprompter to do everything (and if they forget to put “pick up bat” in teleprompter….well…)

And Obama stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur with nothing to read off a page

Close by the pompous Pres the questions unheeded sped-

“That ain’t my style,” said Obama. “Strike one,” the public said.

From the newsrooms, somber with pundits, there went up muffled squalls,

As if the tingle up Matthews’ leg had turned to a kick in the balls

“Kill him! Kill the Republican!” shouted someone out in  Twitter land;

And in deluded fog Obama’s Secret Service did not raise a hand.

(Probably busy looking for coke and hookers in South America).

With a smug look of tyrannical charm great Obama’s message resembled Lenin,

And Joe replace the rising tumult with horror of his laughter and grin,

Barry signaled to the audience, and once more his lies they flew

But public still ignored them, and the polls said, “Strike two.”

“Fraud!” cried Candy, her facts all wrong, and echo of MSM answered fraud;

But one scornful look from Obama and the blind followers were awed.

They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his distorted facts strain,

And they knew that Obama wouldn’t let that debate go by again.

The sneer is great from Obama’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;

He pounds with cruel violence his fist and his lies he does restate.

And now Romney holds the truth and the public, and now out to vote they go,

And now the myth of Obama  is shattered by an economy that is slow.

Oh everywhere in this favored nation the sun is shining bright;

The jobs are returning everywhere, and everywhere hearts are light,

And everywhere people are prosperous, and everywhere Democrats pout;

For  there is no joy in the welfare office – mighty Obama has struck out.

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A Public Service Announcement

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A little levity for otherwise serious issues…

Have you ever wondered why Obama is up in the polls…? Well now we know…

You didn’t build that either…

Not perfect but it gets the broad strokes down…it’s about the last round of idiotic easing…making this round even more ridiculously stupid

Yes I know how stupid this is…but I can’t help but smile

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You Didn’t Built That Wit

Because it’s Friday…it’s been a long week, and we can always use a laugh…

As I continue to discuss Obama’s idiotic “You didn’t build that” statement, a statement that makes Biden look like a genius in comparison, I keep running across various humorous images.  Here are some of my favorites…

 

 

 

 

My favorite because I really believe this is how that worthless dimwit thinks of himself…


And a bit obscure, but it’s hilarious if you get it…

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Most Patriotic Movies #29: Movies that are stand-ins for American Patriotism

There are a lot of movies set in the ancient past or distant that are meant to be metaphors for our current problems.  Frank Herbet’s Dune was a warning about the over reliance of oil dependence on a single source ruled over by a culture that by most standards of civilization is backward and barbaric (one wonders what the book would have looked like if his knowledge of said culture had included their propensity for genocide).  There is a certain logic to this, when you provide enough distance between the audience and the subject you allow them to put aside immediate prejudices about party or history and allow us to see the thematic truth of something and then reapply it to our own present situation.
There are a lot of movies and shows, but I have chosen three to highlight this point.

300

An action movie that was ruined by too much action.

But from free Greek to free Greek, the word was spread that bold Leonidas and his 300, so far from home, laid down their lives, not just for Sparta, but for all Greece and the promise this country holds […] This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny, and usher in a future brighter than anything we could imagine.”

 

Ironically this would have been a truly great movie if there hadn’t been as many action scenes.  It was odd that the movie that was supposed to be 110% mindless action, actually had strong character development, excellent writing, and powerful themes…so much so that it was the over-the-top action that ruined the film.

 

How do I know this is a metaphor for America?  Because the tyrannical, dictatorial Spartans, make fascists look warm and fuzzy by comparison, Spartans would never speak about an “age of freedom” that was coming.  They were pretty much opposed to freedom in all ways, at all times, with all people.  The actual economics of Sparta would have a been a dream for Marx, and the rest of society made Nazi Germany look libertine.  But this movies isn’t really about the real Sparta…it’s about America.

 


 

Now how is this patriotic toward America?  Well, to state the obvious, this was a bit of a love letter to the troops fighting in the war against terror.  It states that our service men are willing to die not so much for country (the Spartans are certainly fighting for more than just Sparta, and that point is made quite explicit) but to stand against tyranny (represented by Persia instead of the modern world where Iran is one of the major centers of tyranny…hey, wait a second…), to draw a line against an evil which seeks to conquer the world and say you will not cross this line as long as I live.  And while there is always the disenchanted minority of whiners in any group, I think it is safe to say that the vast majority of our armed services, do not do it for glory or a pay check, but because they wish to defend the liberties of not only friends and families, but of people they don’t even know.

And how many countries breed an attitude like that?

 

Now we have to hope this pro-American theme is carried by director Zach Snyder into his next movie, The Man of Steel.

 

Firefly

Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.

Mal: Ain’t we just?

 

The West.  A constant metaphor for the freedom and greatness of America.  Also a genre populated by some of the corniest, most poorly done films and TV shows of all time.

But never underestimate Joss Whedon for breathing life back into a genre.  Confederate soldiers in a post-Civil War west surviving as bandits, soldiers of fortune, and whatever jobs come their way a little tired….no problem, just put the whole thing in the 23rd century and add a lot of wit.

The crew of the firefly class ship Serenity time and again exemplifies the classic ideal of what makes the cowboy the American ideal of a hero.

Honor and ethics above all else

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours… well… then he has a choice.

Mal: I don’t believe he does.

Even the law

A government is a body of people; usually, notably ungoverned

Fair play

“You don’t know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed”

 

Capitalism…

“Let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job…I get paid.”

…over the destructive forces of government regulation

Jayne: You save his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don’t care, I’m still free
You can’t take the sky from me

Mal: He had to. Couldn’t let us profit. Wouldn’t be civilized.

 

 

Notably this show does something that is also very America…it points out that when your government (which should not always be confused with your country) is corrupt and in it’s constant arrogance to think that it and it alone can make people better must be opposed.  Which in many ways is one of America’s greatest strengths and most heroic qualities (but I will admit that many whiners have stolen the idea of opposition to tyranny and applied the appellation of this form of heroism to a lot of whiners).

If you have the time, go through the virtues listed by Alexis De Toquville when he discusses what makes America a great democracy.  You’ll find that almost a T the virtues listed in Democracy in America are the ones that are exemplified in Mal Reynolds and his crew.

Although I will admit I’m getting a little worried about this trope I’m seeing more and more that shows the Confederates to be men who fought for principle and state’s rights and liberty.  That may have been the way they viewed themselves, but let us not forget the real Confederacy was not some libertarian dream land, it was an oppressive slave state with very heavy socialist economics.  And I while I will admit this trope can be useful in certain contexts, I would be more than happy to see it die for a few years before people actually start viewing the entirety of the Confederacy as a heroic bastion of idealism.

And finally…

Gladiator

 

“I will not believe that they fought and died for nothing. They fought for you…and for Rome.  I’ve seen much of the rest of the world, it is brutal and cruel and dark.  Rome is the light.”

It’s a favorite thing of historians to compare Rome to America.  Always with the implication as with Rome, America will fall not with a bang but with a whimper.  And while there are volumes of lessons to be learned from what worked and didn’t work in the Republic, the comparisons can often get a bit to hackneyed to be taken too seriously, in art where the lax rules of allegory allow for some wiggle room, the story of Rome, of a mighty nation that was destroyed more from within than from without, is always an interesting comparison.

In Gladiator we see this from the perspective of a nation at the point of collapse, ready to fall into chaos but still potentially able to rise out of it own corruption and regain the past of being a republic of laws and not a nation that follows one man blindly if he just offers them bread and circuses.  “There was once a dream that was Rome” they several times and if you’re looking for the message it would be hard to not find this a bit of a call against the oppressions of our own government which in 2000 and still now is becoming more about Caesar, er, I mean the president, and less and less about law.  (Which brings up an interesting point to make about how we view the past.  Remember in 2000 when were coming off 10 years of liberals screaming about how wrong it was for  a GOP Congress to lower government entitlement spending and balance the budget and how the GOP as tying the hands of Clinton who would have spent more if he could have…and now Clinton is taking all the credit for being the great president who had surpluses in his presidency.  People really need to have a better memory of the past.)

“Is Rome worth one good man’s life.  We believed it once.  Make us believe it again.”

Now unlike Rome we are not going to saved by one man…maybe one president and a Congress that will back him, but really that’s up to the people.  But the fact of the matter is that idea of what America is, is waning.  And to a degree it is up to up to us to make ourselves believe in America again.  May I suggest by booting the tyrant out.

Now again, I’ll admit these are at best allegorical comparison, that are meant to be taken loosely.  Don’t read too much into them.  There is a reason that these 3 only got one blog and came in below a few films that only made it onto the list because of a single scene…as you will see tomorrow…

 

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The Greatest Comedy Film of all time! (and one last honorable mention)

Hitmen, FBI Agents, Cops, Criminals, teenagers, a maid, a housewife, a corrupt executive, an ad executive, and a bum who lives in a tree...what could possibly go wrong

#1 Big Trouble

“Make her stop! Dear God in Heaven make her stop, she wants my soul!”

Based on one of the greatest comedy books ever written, by the ever hilarious Dave Barry, Big Trouble is probably the greatest comedy of all time.

What you haven’t heard of it? The story of dysfunctional families, annoyed hitmen, and two really stupid criminals who manage to get a nuclear weapon past the ever inept group of people known as airport security? Can’t imagine why not? Oh, wait I know exactly why you’ve never heard of this film…because the original theatrical release date was supposed to be September 15th 2001…yeah read that thing about a nuke on a plane and then date…and I think we all see why this movie was buried with a very brief theatrical release in 2002.

Which is a shame because this movie is hilarious beyond the telling of it.

Trust me, if you haven’t seen this movie, this is one of the few movies that I will say you have to see before you die (you should also read the book).

I'm fairly certain you could still get this nuke past the MENSA members the TSA employs.

Henry: Hold on a second. We have a Die Hard situation developing in the kitchen.
Leonard: What?
Henry: There’s a guy there in the kitchen.
Leonard: A guy? What’s he doing?
Henry: Well my guess is he’s either gonna whack em’ with a rolling pin or he’s gonna bake em’ a cake. I don’t know. Could go either way with this crew.
Henry: Holy shit. Betty Crocker’s got a squirt gun!
Leonard: Let me look!
Henry: Forget about it. This is better than pay-per-view.
Henry: There goes the warranty, and here comes the Iron Chef.

 

 

And one last honorable mention…I didn’t want to put this one in with the other honorable mentions because this isn’t just some mere also-ran. …and it also doesn’t exactly fit anywhere else because it is not just a single work…but it is some of the best comedy in all of film and TV…

And the last honorable mention is…
The Collective Works of Joss Whedon.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Serenity, Dollhouse, Doctor Horrible, Toy Story, Cabin in the Woods…and likely Much Ado and Avengers.
Everything Whedon does is unspeakably funny. From Buffy’s quip, to Wesley’s faults, to River’s insanity, to Topher’s observations. There is not an episode and hardly a scene without its humor. I couldn’t pick any single episode for two reasons. The first is that even the bad ones have their wonderful moments. The second is that like Shakespeare or any truly great writer, Whedon never creates humor without tragedy or tragedy without humor. There are funnier episodes to be sure, but those are also episodes of deep and moving, and sometime very depressing, pathos…and so while I feel the need to mention his skill in writing great comedy none of it is purely in the comedy genre…






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The Greatest comedies of all time #3 & #2

#3 Arrested Development

The lovable dysfunctional family.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
“Have any of you ever seen a chicken?”
“There’s always money in the banana stand.”
“I just blue myself.”
“Spring Break!”
“I never thought I’d miss my hand so much.”
“Anyong.”
“No touching!”
“Illusions, Michael. Tricks are things whores do for money.”
“Watch out for hop ons.”

Almost every quote of this show is comedy gold.

Okay, technically not a movie. But that it is a solid 3 seasons of unending humor with even the weakest episode better than most of the films on this list. And given my loathing for almost all sitcoms, it is a small miracle that I not only like Arrested Development, but love it as much as I do.

From Ron Howard’s voiceovers, to treating it as if it was a documentary, to beyond plausible dysfunction of the Bluths at every level. There were jokes in this that only were funny on the second viewing, and there were jokes that took almost a dozen episodes to buildup before you got the punch line. On the whole it was near perfect. Every thing is perfect comedy gold.

And while I think all right thinking people were sad to see it go…there is always something good about a show ending before it jumps the shark (except for the fact that we actually did see the Fonz jump the shark in this show). And because there was a stop, I have hopes that this coming 2nd run of the show will be equally as good.

#2 Airplane

“Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”


Possibly the best slapstick film ever made.

Making fun of disaster movies, classic films and language in general, this movie has no rival among slapstick films, and if you think it does then I think you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue…that and you may have a drinking problem.

Every scene, low budget though it may be, is perfectly executed. But if I had to pick a favorite scene it has to be the bar scene with the fighting girl scouts and the bizarre Saturday Night Fever moment (which I couldn’t find a full clip of)…
…but while not quite as good as the original the trial scene from Airplane II is also one of my favorites.

But these are good too…

…yes I’m sure you’re curious what the #1 pick is…tomorrow…

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Greatest Comedy Films #5 &#4

#5 Arsenic & Old Lace

If you think your family is a handful, try being Mortimer Brewster. The insane uncle who thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt is the sanest one of the bunch. You’ve got the homicidal brother. And the mass murdering old aunts. And everyone else in the neighborhood also appears to be a bit off.

When most of us think of Cary Grant comedy we usually have Grant in mind as the debonair straight man who plays off the insanity of the rest of the cast. In this case a young Cary Grant, while his character is certainly more mentally stable than everyone else in the movie, the insane troupe is calm and unaffected by their mass insanity while Grant as the sane man in a group of crazies is bouncing off the walls trying to bring order to a situation that has none. As seen by Grant’s facial features here…

Starting with this film I find the rest of this list may cause severe problems to breath from laughing to hard.

#4 Blazing Saddles

“A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute… maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town. But where would I find such a man? Why am I asking you? “

Only Mel Brook could come with lines of racist slurs that only humiliate the racists. “…but we don’t want the Irish!” The sad thing as vicious a critique of racism as this movie is, you could never make it today.  The politically correct mores of modern society would never let the slurs of this film be made, despite the fact that they are being aimed at humiliating those who use such words.

Rivaled only by Young Frankenstein (which I’ve already discussed) this is probably Mel Brook’s funniest film. If this movie has one flaw, it is the ending which, I think we all admit is a little forced. But even that can’t dim the surreal ingenius/ingenious of Kahn’s bizaare/bizarre stage number or Sherriff Bart holding himself hostage. There are few scenes in this film which aren’t hilarious.


…And Methodists! …?

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Greatest Comedy Films #7 & #6

#7 A Shot in the Dark

“François, I just cut off my thumb.”

Ah, Inspector Jacques Clouseau when played by the great Peter Sellers. Clouseau is perhaps the dumbest person on earth, and in this the only Clouseau movie without the words “Pink Panther” in the title, and thus it is ironic that it is the best of the Pink Panther movies. I’m not entirely sure who deserves more credit for this moment in insane comedy, Sellers as Clouseau or Blake Edwards as the master of comedy behind the camera, but when these two men collaborate, even at their worst (see Revenge of the Pink Panther).

Clouseau the investigator who has never solved a crime. Clouseau, the master of disguise who never fooled anyone. Clouseau, the master of martial arts who only is able to defeat his trusted (?) assistant Kato, who is constantly out to kill him. Clouseau, the man who drives his boss Dreyfus to self-mutilation and homicide. The only thing Clouseau is really good at is providing an endless stream of laughs while investigating a murder.

#6 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

Let me speak anathema. I’m not overly impressed with many of John Hughes films. Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, and Planes, Trains & Automobiles did nothing for me, and I was utterly unable to sympathize with any of the characters of The Breakfast Club (and we’re not even going to talk about some of the shit he wrote beyond saying that if it wasn’t for Hughes we would never have been tortured with hell that is Macaulay Culkin). But as much as his works clearly did resonate with me as much as the rest of America, there is no denying the greatness of Ferris Bueller. Maybe it’s just the beauty of the image of a smart-ass getting everything he has worked for (and make no mistake it’s not that the world just opens to him without effort, he works for all of it), but there is just something unbelievably beautiful about the way Ferris Bueller lives his life and looks around once in a while. Ferris is an embodiment of what individualism and hard work will get you (and he does work hard, he just doesn’t work hard at what society wants him to, “It’s a test on European socialism. I’m not European; I don’t plan on being European. So what do I care if they’re socialists. They could be fascist anarchists; it still wouldn’t change the fact that I don’t have a car.”)

The comedy credentials of this film do not even need to be described…while I don’t think this is the funniest film of all time it is certainly one of the best known films. It would probably make the top 100 list of film buffs and philistines, those who know movies by the boat load and those who only know a handful. Honestly if you don’t love this movie then either you’ve been living in a cave or are quite possibly mentally unhinged (there are few other excuses for not loving this film). So I won’t wax long on its comedic effect.

However there are some things that recent events have brought up to me some other lesser appreciated points of this film.

First off is the lesson in economics that it is too sad that many did not learn. That government interference through higher taxes and more regulation leads to depressions, also that people named Bush know less than nothing about economics. The utter lack of flair and style is part of its charm.

And of course there is the issue that half this film is people whining about “It’s not fair.” Why does that sound familiar?

“Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Ferris isn’t such a bad guy. After all, I got a car, he got a computer. But still, why should he get to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants? Why should everything work out for him? What makes him so goddamn special?”

Oh that’s right because the movie goes out of its way to show that people who worry about what’s fair or not that other people get things that they don’t. The clear message of the movie is that those who worry about others are pathetic and the people who only worry about their own lives are not just the ones to be admired, but the ones who actually enjoy life.


And let us not forget it probably has some of the wisest words ever uttered on film:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

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Greatest Moments of Comedy in Film #9 & #8

#9 The Trouble With Tribbles

“Most curious creature, Captain. It’s trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. Fortunately, of course, I am immune to its effect.”

Okay, technically not a movie…although I’ve included TV episodes on my lists before. But this is the only standalone episode of any show to make it on this list…true there were some very funny episodes of the other Star Treks, some great moments of X-file humor, and I am still looking forward every year to The Closer’s Flynn and Provenza episode. But while almost every show has a great moment in comedy, I think only the “Trouble with Tribbles” really rises to the bar of the Top 30 comedies (if I did a top 40 there might have been an X-file episode or two, “Bad Blood” & “Jose Chung’s”, but I figured 30 was pushing it as it was.

Tribbles are possibly the cutest prop ever developed. A purring ball of fur. How can you not love a purring ball of fur? But it’s not just the tribbles that make the episode.

I will be the first to admit there were some pretty low moments in the original Star Trek. Episodes of bad writing, bad directing, bad special effects and yes bad acting. And when it was bad it was really bad (see “Spock’s Brain”)…but, oh, when they had a good script and a good director then the actors would bring up all the talent they had and everything worked into some of the finest moments of TV history. And “Tribbles” is one of those truly great moments.

Near perfect comedic timing from both Shatner and Nimoy in almost every scene in dealing with a situation that is beyond preposterous.

Looking for a quick 45 minutes of nonstop laughing The Trouble with Tribbles never fails.

#8 Duck Soup

“Remember, you’re fighting for this woman’s honour, which is probably more than she ever did.”

I love the Marx Brothers. Mad cap wit and pure insanity. And Groucho as the Prime Minister of a nation is just more insane than you usually get even in a Marx Brothers film. (And there is the sad fact that he’s a better leader than a lot of the world’s current chief executives). I will admit that this has a much weaker plot than some of the other Marx Brother films…but why are you watching Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo for plot? But the mirror scene, the war scene and a dozen others I find this perhaps the funniest of the Marx Brother movies…but only by a small margin.

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