Tag Archives: April Fool’s Day

April Fools Day Post: In praise of the BUREAUCRAT

This April the First I thought we should give praise to that wonderful civil servant who thanklessly makes our lives better: The Bureaucrat.  The Bureaucrat is the most wonderful being in our government, a gift from God I am sure.  Effective, caring, beneficial and needed.  Never could any sane soul say that these are people who deserve to have their heads bashed in with a crowbar or that they ruin ever aspect our lives.   We need bureaucrats, and we need them in every aspect of our lives.  So I come not today to revile bureaucrats, but to praise them.

What would our lives be without the Bureaucrat?  It would certainly be far more expensive.  I mean it’s not like bureaucrats cost us billions upon billions of dollars in red tape.  No, because of bureaucracy every single aspect of our lives is almost certainly cheaper.  I mean can you imagine how much more expensive it would be if you did not have to seek permission from three different state agencies (at best) just to set up a small business.  How much more expensive would it be if you didn’t have to go back and forth from one government office to another, as you always get clear concise, non-contradictory answers from all the branches.  I can’t imagine how much more expensive things would be—they are so helpful giving concise directions/instruction and guiding you to the next step.

And without the bureaucrat, who would protect us.  I mean there are literally small children out there looking to sell lemonade without a business license, without filing the proper tax paperwork, without letting the health department inspect their kitchen, without filing with the labor board, and without making sure they are working in an area zoned for commerce. Without bureaucrats who would be there to fine these little wannabe anarchists and murderers.  I mean honestly can you think of anything more sociopathic and devoid of all ethics than a small child attempting to sell lemonade. Thank god we have bureaucrats to stop the madness and end the sociopathic behavior almost indicative of Nazism.  I mean think about it, if you were looking for how someone who would have been in the Gestapo during the Nazi regime and transplanted them into modern America, what would they be doing to still get their jollies off, hurting others without reason, gains glee from acting as inhuman as possible…they’d be selling lemonade without a permit.    And don’t get me started on those psychopaths who think that they don’t need a license to braid hair or teach yoga.  If it weren’t for bureaucrats what would we do in the face of such evil?

And let’s be honest, there is not a smarter bunch of people. One might worry that a job known for hiring felons; that you only need a high school diploma for and from which it is a labor of Hercules to fire for gross incompetence might attract the kind of people who would get fired from McDonald’s…but no there is no brighter group than the bureaucrat.  I mean who else could have been bright enough to hire so noble a patriot as Snowden, who had made it clear on several public internet sites that he had the intention of committing treason, to have full access to all of our secrets.  Only the bureaucrat my friends.  Only the kind of intelligence that would leave us mere mortals with a sense of dread and awe to behold it.  Faced next to the bureaucrat our minds pale in comparison.  Just look at their superior logic; that is beyond our feeble brains.  Only a bureaucrat has the prowess to understand that a city ordinance requiring you to cut down a tree and a county ordinance threatening you with a fine if you cut down said tree is perfectly fine.  Your petty mind may recoil at such things, but not the superior mind of the bureaucrat.  And this is why they are entitled to life-long jobs with little supervision, they are just better than us. Remember that the normal subtleties of life are beyond the masses comprehension

And speaking of them being better than us.  Do not forget that they are above suspicion.  And if the feeble minded dare question them then the feeble minded should be shamed and possibly fined.  These are the most honest people which is why so many are not required to pay taxes.

And let us not forget that they protect us in other ways.  For instance there are people with terminal diseases out there who think that just because they’re guaranteed to die long and painful deaths they have nothing to risk by taking experimental drugs that could cure them.  Silly people.  Were it not for bureaucrats these people with fatal diseases could take something that might kill them.

And have you ever seen a more honest group of people.  I mean when the hard-drives at the IRS all crashed at the same time, it was the noble bureaucrats at the IRS who told the American public that they were having technical problems.  They could have tried to hide it for months on end, but did they?  Did they?  I think we all know the answer when dealing with this group of moral pillars.

And there are things out there that could hurt you, like dating services and guns and travel clubs and pornography and buying coins…but thankfully through the brave efforts of bureaucrats in Operation Choke Point bureaucrats have done what they knew to be right and used pressure to tell banks to close bank accounts for people who have these kinds of business so they could not possibly do business.  Did bureaucrats wait for laws to be passed to give them the power to do these things? No.  Did they care that doing so was a major violation of the law?  Not in the least.  Why?  Because they care about you and they know far better than you what is good for you.  They alone know that you aren’t mature enough to handle guns…unlike our fast and furious friends to the South, who bureaucrats know are such wonderful people they need more guns.

Did I mention humble?  Oh what a humble bunch.  For people who know that not only is their word law, but that they are above the law.  But do they lord it over people by declaring that ugly fish are more important than people?  Do they act like they’re superiors by coming up with fake lists of patients seen while people die?  Do they treat Native Americans like children for over a century creating a culture of dependency?  Do they treat your time dismissively by spending hours looking at porn in the office?  Do they make you wait in endless lines, show no sympathy for your plight and reject paper for even the slightest flaw which common sense could clearly correct on the spot…I think we all know that answer of how these humble warriors are always looking out for us.

And let’s be honest we’re never safer than in the hands of the bureaucracy. I mean it’s not like there is actually a word for government employees looking to shoot up innocent people, I mean you’d have to go completely postal to believe that.

No, let us get down on our knees and thank our wonderful bureaucrats (really we have to, they’re cracking the whip right now) and dismiss those who say that more than term limits on politicians there needs to be term limits for bureaucrats, let us reject the foolish call for more oversight and harsher punishment for bureaucrats who break the law (as if such a thing would ever happen), let us perish the thought of hiring freeze and attrition, and certainly diminish the idea of firing them wholesale.  I mean it’s not like their unions paid politicians off to give them pensions so outrageous they will bankrupt every state, county and city in America given enough time.
Let us remember that without bureaucrats Congress, the president, state legislatures, the attorney general, none of them could get done what they do without bureaucrats carrying out their every order.  Their noble work would never be accomplished without bureaucrats following and doing as they were told without question and with the patriotic zeal that never seeks to stop the free-market, or just human interaction— without them we would be nothing.

I dream of the day when all children desire and strive to be part of that holiest of holy groups – the BUREAUCRAT!

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April Fool’s Day Post: Secret Documents Reveal Democratic Plan to Undermine the Right From Within

Exclusive, The Conservative New Ager has, this April Fool’s Day, been shown recently uncovered documents that show conclusively that the Republican Party has been infiltrated by liberal moles hell-bent on destroying the Republican Party from within.


What’s this you say? Liberal infiltrators within the Republican Party? Yes!


And no I’m not just referring to the fact that liberals have been heavily funding “libertarian” candidates to divide votes against conservatives. No the plan appears, according to these documents, to go much further (beginning with the open push for open primaries – we now see the underlying liberal reasoning).


While the documents do not list exactly who is involved or where money is being funneled to, the plans and tactics for the double agents are laid out clearly. For instance, one document states:


Liberal infiltrators are to always bring up abortion.   Polls show that while Americans are not in favor of the Democratic position of abortion on demand at tax payer expense, the natural American tendency toward liberty finds it even more offensive to claim “”If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”. Gallup studies have shown that despite claims otherwise, 71% of Republicans favor keeping abortion legal in one form or another…yet a vocal minority within the Republican party, which these documents show are on liberal payrolls, are hammering a point that in no way appeals even to the base of the Republican party and certainly not to the majority of voters. Further these documents suggest that DNC forces have also paid off the media to only cover these infiltrators which explain why the media gives these comments so much play and not real fiscal comments from the Republican Party. These liberal infiltrators have started even attacking what the vast majority of Republicans and independents believe is a valid purpose of abortion, aborting children with severe medical challenges to spare them the living hell of a



life like that. Further these liberal infiltrators are being paid to make Republicans look mentally challenged by suggesting that abortion is the cause of our economic woes with truly brain dead statements like “The reason Social Security is in big trouble is we don’t have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion, because one in three pregnancies ends in abortion.” Quotes this insane assumes that conservatives believe that children have one purpose – to support the elderly – which if that isn’t the ring of liberal propaganda then what is… there is nothing there about the conservative beliefs in individualism, personal responsibility and freedom of choice – whatever those repercussions are.


These documents were obtained in light of the fact that despite being a traitor worthy of hanging for his crimes, Edward Snowden did reveal what liberals consider data security. The field agents of the Conservative New Ager just strolled into the DNC headquarters and asked for access to the computer systems claiming to be tech people called in to repair an unspecified problem. The stoned hippie behind the desk was apparently more than helpful in providing our investigative team with all the documents they needed.


As such deep cover agents have been sent into the Republican Party to pose as conservatives, they work tirelessly to offend moderates and even Republicans as liberals are desperate to get votes for themselves or at least deprive Republicans of votes by having those voters veer towards the perpetual waste of a vote known as the Libertarian party.


In addition to the abortion issues, similar DNC drafted talking points for these infiltrators include making statements against gay marriage (when the majority of moderate and even conservative voters would rather you just get government out of religion and just have legal civil unions for everyone) or focusing on other issues that any idiot would know would not drive moderates away.


It is unclear exactly who in the Democrat Party came up with this plan and who is funding it (or even that anyone at the DNC could possibly have the foresight to think up something this clever)…or who in the Republican Party was too stupid to not notice what was going on. But as insiders begin to comb over the paperwork it becomes clear that this is the only thing keeping the Democratic Party alive as the Republicans would sway the vast majority of independents and libertarians if they were just running on conservative economic values.


Documents do not make it clear exactly who these people are but there are clues within the paperwork. For instance one such infiltrator is listed as a former Governor who during their term of office threatened violate contract law (something conservatives hold as sacrosanct) with contracts the state held with private corporations, raised taxes on those corporations, encouraged large federal spending projects to nowhere, advocated that the budget to the Department of Education be expanded, endorses the worst candidates (even liberal scum) whenever possible, and takes government subsidy money for their TV shows. One wonders how moderates could be so dumb to accept such a clearly vile liberal shill as a conservative, but you betcha they are just that dumb.


Other infiltrators are suggested to have endorsed arming al-Qaeda in Syria. One even appears to be a massive closet case who never met a government spending program or bribe he didn’t like.


To spot these liberal infiltrators according to these documents, the following positions should be noticed:

(1)  They make wild baseless claims about abortion rather than just pushing to end all government funding of it.

(2)  They believe that gay marriage is an abomination rather than the conservative belief that government should get out religion, and only do civil unions for any two consenting adults leaving marriage to religion and religion alone.

(3)  They attack other Republicans.

(4)  They treat conservatism as a belief that can only exist within Christianity despite the fact that the moral basis for conservatism can be found in just about every religion on Earth.

(5)  They attack corporations as something inherently evil or do not hold other basic conservative/capitalist views like the sacrosanct nature of contracts – personal property rights.

(6)  They speak in terms of populism accidentally dropping liberal talking points like “living wage” or feel that competition is a bad thing.

(7)  Having no understanding of the difference between the idiotic federal Race to the Top (Obama’s plan) and the intelligent state led Common Core standards and treating them as if they’re the same thing.

It is almost certain that anyone who traffics in statements like this is clearly on the DNC payroll and following their direction/talking points.


When informed of this GOP chair Reince Preibus stated that, “When you think about it this actually makes sense. I mean the only other option would be that the Republican Party was laced with absolutely suicidal morons who don’t understand the principles of real conservatism and have no desire to win….wait what, this is an April Fool’s Day post and none of this ever happened. We actually have a minority of the party that really are that dumb? Well shit. We’re doomed aren’t we?”


Well shit indeed. Guess we had better start teaching true conservatives ideals starting with fiscal responsibility.

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Filed under Constitution, Election 2014, Evils of Liberalism, GOP, Humor, politics

April Fool’s Day News Flash: The Truth About Rick Santorum

Washington D.C., April 1

In a move that has shocked both the halls of Washington and Hollywood the actor who for the past 20 years has portrayed the character “Rick Santorum” has come out and admitted it was a long improv piece.

"It's all fake. There is no Rick Santorum. No one could be that dumb."

Originally inspired by his love of method acting and foreshadowing the work of Sasha Baron-Cohen and Joaquin Phoenix’s I’m still here, actor Richard Brooke (not to be confused with actor Richard Brook, although they are close friends and are of similar ethical character) today in a press conference admitted, “It was all a joke.”

“Honestly, do you really believe that there was a person that batshit crazy running for President?”

“Really I thought I would run for the Senate under a false name, get some great footage and be done in a month. “ Said Brooke, about his original plan. “I thought I could use it to show a talent agent that I could pull off a lunatic. I was trying to get a ‘defendant of the week spot’ on Law & Order.”

“When they elected me, I didn’t know what to do. At first I was afraid of being arrested for fraud…but then I thought, hell, why not see how long this can last.”

Brooke admitted that the early years were hard. Hiring other actors to help him maintain the illusion that “Rick Santorum” actually existed was “the hardest part” said Brooke. Brooke then went into a ten minute tirade about the media never doing its job in vetting candidates and how “like on Bewitched, nobody noticed when I changed secondary cast members out. It was weird, it was like the people voting for me were complete idiots who weren’t capable of understanding anything. Hell I could have said I admired accused child molesters and no one would have noticed.”

Brooke admits that the first terms in Congress were just fun. He said every day he would make up crazy things to say on the floor of the House, and then the Senate, trying to one up all the other members of Congress on the craziest thing said on the floor that day. Brooke admitted that most days he failed. “I’m an actor not a writer!” he said in his defense, “and writing farce is difficult.”

In one of the most stunning statements made during the press conference Brooke said that while portraying his Santorum character in the Senate he broke down and admitted his charade to other Senators. “To my great surprise,” Brooke says, “I was apparently not the only fraud in the Senate.” Brooke says that there are three other actors in the Senate who are only doing the job until their agent can get back to them. In addition to the actors Brooke also indicated that one Senator is actually a functional vegetable, having sustained a severe boxing injury that left him effectively brain dead, but with the odd ability to memorize speeches read to him and then repeat them on cue. Brooke refused to name this or any of the other impostors.

When asked what his inspirations were, Brooke answered: "I tried to mix the economic idiocy of Keynes with the humanity of Jack the Ripper topped off with the anti-American spirit and sanity of George III."

“Really there came a point during Bush’s term, that I got so tired of it I just wanted out and started voting for every liberal bill I could.” Calling his re-election campaign a successful attempt to impersonate a dimwitted asshole, the actor said his favorite moment was when he compared homosexual marriage to bestiality, “Honestly, I was half expecting someone to have me committed over that one. I mean, really, who would be psychotic enough to actually say that?”

Brooke said that while he didn’t miss the agonizing dull conversation of the Senate (according to Brooke even the ones who aren’t professional actors aren’t nearly as bright as they appear) he found it difficult to find work. Those in the know about his acting career would hire him occasionally to make speeches that his famous character might make. And while he enjoyed being paid six-grand to speak for Jews for Jesus, his favorite moment was a comedy routine performed at a Catholic college where he mercilessly mocked the extreme Fundamentalist Christian Right by parodying one of their fire and brimstone sermons decrying how Satan was out to destroy America. Coming up with that was just the most preposterous statements he suggested during the skit that Satan was behind the Founding Fathers, Protestantism, all mass media and the creation of the Constitution.

“I thought that routine was one of my better moments. Honestly you would have thought I really was a delusional psychopath if you didn’t know it was all an act,” Brooke added.

"It was hard holding a straight face half the time."

But in the early part of 2011, hard up for cash, after sales failed on his lengthy piece of satire It takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good (working title: Ravings of a Lunatic) Brooke said he had no choice but to don the character of Rick Santorum, and hopefully skim a little living expenses off of the campaign donations as he ran for President. “I was hoping to last a few months through this endeavor. But I also wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t a serious candidate. So I started out by insulting liberty and everything the country stood for. I mean really, what kind of conservative would ever use the word “common good” in the title of their book. I spent hours praising my character’s communist grandfather as if he was the greatest hero the world had ever known. I spent whole speeches insulting everything the Tea Party stood for. But no one called me on it. I really think we have a severe problem with the media in this country and their utter inability to fact-check anything.”

“I mean I went so far as to say individualism doesn’t work and has never worked in a country where individualism works. How did I not get called on this?”

Brooke says that even he got tired of having to top himself. “Really pretending I was so stupid I didn’t quite understand I had lost Michigan, I think was going a little too far, but I was just getting so tired of it all.”

"Look at this picture," Brooke commented, "if this guy actually existed the inanimate object would be the smartest thing in that shot."

About the last days of his campaign Brooke said, “I knew I was running out of material when I just had to stop pretending to believe in basic math. I got so desperate I borrowed a page from carrot top and started carrying around a prop everywhere I went.”

Now that he has come out about his secret Brooke says he intends to hang up the Rick Santorum character for good. His new plans are to move to Massachusetts with his long time fiancé Kerry Bruce and open a small restaurant and dinner theater operation.

“If I never see another sweater-vest again, it will be too soon.” Brooke said at the end of his press conference.


Filed under Humor, politics, Rick Santorum