Daily Archives: May 20, 2011

Polls, Rapture, and the Zombie Apocalypse…or People Continue to Be Stupid

13% believe that Obama wasn’t born in the US.

36% have a positive view of socialism (17% of Republicans have a positive view of socialism!? How does that happen?)

One in five believe Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

The CDC needs to address disaster preparedness by warning people of the zombie apocalypse. (If it takes a warning about zombies for you to prepare for any disaster you don’t deserve to survive a disaster…natural or zombie).

And according to some sources the rapture is this Saturday. (On a side note, whether it does or doesn’t occur we can all agree that this little pagan will not be taking part. And a question…when the rapture occurs and takes the souls of the believers to Heaven, will their bodies be left soulless thus starting the zombie apocalypse?*)

And of course there is the 10%-20% in every poll who have no opinion.

Obviously there is a portion of humanity that is quite frankly too stupid to live. But as we can’t go about killing these morons, as stress relieving an experience as it might be, I think we can all agree that these idiots should not be allowed to answer poll questions and/or vote—especially the 10% that never has an opinion until they seem to get into the voting booth and, I’m guessing, flips a coin. (Have you ever noticed that even the day before an election, even in a poll that is asking only likely voters, there is still 5% that lists themselves as undecided? Undecided? All of campaign season and you still haven’t made up your mind? How is that possible?)

I suggest a simple questionnaire everyone needs to answer before they can answer poll questions. The questions are as follows

Does 2+2=4? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is the world round? Yes /No/ No Opinion

The sky is blue? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is the President of the United State (enter name of current occupant)? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is drinking bleach bad for you? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is hot coffee dangerous to spill on your lap? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is it true that a zombie apocalypse is impossible? Yes /No/ No Opinion

Is O.J guilty of double murder? Yes /No/ No Opinion
(Yes that last one is a little dated, but it’s still a self-evident truth, and its inclusion keeps idiots like Alan Colmes from voting).

You know some basic common sense questions.

If you answer incorrectly or you have no opinion clearly you are not qualified to answer poll questions and/or vote. This is a public safety issue.

I will all but guarantee that, even if we publicized that the correct answer for every question is yes, 10% of the population will be taken out of the voting populace from making incredibly stupid voting calls…

And if we were looking to take out the crazies we could add the following three questions:
Is homosexuality not a sin? Yes /No/ No Opinion (To take out the crazies in social politics)
It is true that socialism never works? Yes /No/ No Opinion
(To take out the crazies in economic policies)
Is it true that in the Israel-Palestine conflict, the Israeli’s are the good guys? Yes /No/ No Opinion
(which takes out everyone who has no ability to judge foreign policy correctly).

*In case my sarcasm wasn’t thick enough and I want to make it clear that I think the odds of having to deal with a zombie apocalypse are somewhere far below zero.

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