Laws the GOP should pass #5: This is kind of a no brainer…

This past week I have seen Facebook go a little crazy with everybody changing their pictures to cartoon characters. If you don’t know, this was supposedly to help stop child abuse. Now, as someone who believes thought creates reality, I’m not entirely opposed to this campaign because if I’m right about the power of thought then maybe it could influence a person out there who was teetering back and forth on the edge of committing a truly heinous act of evil. However, the pragmatic side of me would prefer something a bit more strenuous to help end child abuse than just thinking good thoughts.

So, since this is Monday, my day for laws Congress should pass, let me suggest the following law. Make child molestation a federal crime. Make it the purview of the FBI. I would much prefer a federal team, (that has none of the biases of a local investigation), investigating and using all the resources of a federal investigation, federal prosecutors and federal judges working to put the freaks behind bars once and for all.

But it’s not the fact that I would much prefer the entire weight of the US Federal government to come down on the worst that society has to offer. I want Congress to include a basic sentencing guideline. One strike and you are out.

The fact of the matter is that sexual offender lists have failed. Partly because you can never fully publicize them to every human being in a hundred mile radius of the poor excuse for a human that is a released child molester, and partly because we have been adding far too many people to those lists. Even though this was never the intent, people who had sex with their 17 year old girlfriend when they were 18 years old, and people who streaked in college are making it onto those lists. Now, I’m not saying those previously described acts were a great demonstration of the best human reason has to offer, but it hardly makes them worthy enough to be on the sexual offenders list. But somehow every state’s list is now loaded with these rather minor (at least in comparison to child molestation) crimes, which in turn makes those lists less than worthless.

Let’s face it. There is only one answer. Lock these sick perversions up for life. But, some bleeding heart might object, what about the ones who are reformed? First I don’t admit that any of them can be reformed. If your soul has fallen to the point where you feel the only way you can regain control of your life is by preying on the weakest targets you have can find, then you are beyond help in the space of single lifetime. (I may admit that eventually they might find redemption, but only because I believe in reincarnation, karma, and time being infinite). But if I’m wrong, and they can be reformed, then a reformed child molester would be the first to admit that the possibility of letting even one false reform case out on the world is too great a risk to possible victims, and would gladly accept life imprisonment if it meant that no one else would be harmed.
You may ask why I don’t call for the death penalty in this case. After all, if anyone deserves to die it’s child molesters. My argument is twofold. One I don’t ever approve of the death penalty (even for child molesters, or even when Jimmy Carter and Barrack Obama are rightfully convicted of treason). I will never support the death penalty (although, to be honest, it’s not the first policy I’ll object to…there are other issues I am far more opposed to). The other is that executing is a costly procedure; more costly than holding them for life, and simply put, child molester are just not worth that much.

And also, this law needs to be worded to acknowledge that groups like NAMBLA are criminal conspiracies and not expressions of free speech. Life in a dark hole to them too.

But in the end, I’m really just going to suggest that we should make sure that everyone in the world is made familiar with following quote by Dennis Miller, and encouraged to follow it if it applies: “You’ve got to promise me if you’re watching me tonight and you ever get to the point in your life where you are so puzzled, confused, and frightened that you feel the only way out is to abuse or molest a little kid, well then, you have got to kill yourself. You have to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team.” I might even add that we should play that quote over and over again 24/7 to all convicted child molesters while they sit in their cells (and often provide them access to a razor blade). It’s not like it would be a loss.

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