April Fool’s Day News Flash: The Truth About Rick Santorum

Washington D.C., April 1

In a move that has shocked both the halls of Washington and Hollywood the actor who for the past 20 years has portrayed the character “Rick Santorum” has come out and admitted it was a long improv piece.

"It's all fake. There is no Rick Santorum. No one could be that dumb."

Originally inspired by his love of method acting and foreshadowing the work of Sasha Baron-Cohen and Joaquin Phoenix’s I’m still here, actor Richard Brooke (not to be confused with actor Richard Brook, although they are close friends and are of similar ethical character) today in a press conference admitted, “It was all a joke.”

“Honestly, do you really believe that there was a person that batshit crazy running for President?”

“Really I thought I would run for the Senate under a false name, get some great footage and be done in a month. “ Said Brooke, about his original plan. “I thought I could use it to show a talent agent that I could pull off a lunatic. I was trying to get a ‘defendant of the week spot’ on Law & Order.”

“When they elected me, I didn’t know what to do. At first I was afraid of being arrested for fraud…but then I thought, hell, why not see how long this can last.”

Brooke admitted that the early years were hard. Hiring other actors to help him maintain the illusion that “Rick Santorum” actually existed was “the hardest part” said Brooke. Brooke then went into a ten minute tirade about the media never doing its job in vetting candidates and how “like on Bewitched, nobody noticed when I changed secondary cast members out. It was weird, it was like the people voting for me were complete idiots who weren’t capable of understanding anything. Hell I could have said I admired accused child molesters and no one would have noticed.”

Brooke admits that the first terms in Congress were just fun. He said every day he would make up crazy things to say on the floor of the House, and then the Senate, trying to one up all the other members of Congress on the craziest thing said on the floor that day. Brooke admitted that most days he failed. “I’m an actor not a writer!” he said in his defense, “and writing farce is difficult.”

In one of the most stunning statements made during the press conference Brooke said that while portraying his Santorum character in the Senate he broke down and admitted his charade to other Senators. “To my great surprise,” Brooke says, “I was apparently not the only fraud in the Senate.” Brooke says that there are three other actors in the Senate who are only doing the job until their agent can get back to them. In addition to the actors Brooke also indicated that one Senator is actually a functional vegetable, having sustained a severe boxing injury that left him effectively brain dead, but with the odd ability to memorize speeches read to him and then repeat them on cue. Brooke refused to name this or any of the other impostors.

When asked what his inspirations were, Brooke answered: "I tried to mix the economic idiocy of Keynes with the humanity of Jack the Ripper topped off with the anti-American spirit and sanity of George III."

“Really there came a point during Bush’s term, that I got so tired of it I just wanted out and started voting for every liberal bill I could.” Calling his re-election campaign a successful attempt to impersonate a dimwitted asshole, the actor said his favorite moment was when he compared homosexual marriage to bestiality, “Honestly, I was half expecting someone to have me committed over that one. I mean, really, who would be psychotic enough to actually say that?”

Brooke said that while he didn’t miss the agonizing dull conversation of the Senate (according to Brooke even the ones who aren’t professional actors aren’t nearly as bright as they appear) he found it difficult to find work. Those in the know about his acting career would hire him occasionally to make speeches that his famous character might make. And while he enjoyed being paid six-grand to speak for Jews for Jesus, his favorite moment was a comedy routine performed at a Catholic college where he mercilessly mocked the extreme Fundamentalist Christian Right by parodying one of their fire and brimstone sermons decrying how Satan was out to destroy America. Coming up with that was just the most preposterous statements he suggested during the skit that Satan was behind the Founding Fathers, Protestantism, all mass media and the creation of the Constitution.

“I thought that routine was one of my better moments. Honestly you would have thought I really was a delusional psychopath if you didn’t know it was all an act,” Brooke added.

"It was hard holding a straight face half the time."

But in the early part of 2011, hard up for cash, after sales failed on his lengthy piece of satire It takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good (working title: Ravings of a Lunatic) Brooke said he had no choice but to don the character of Rick Santorum, and hopefully skim a little living expenses off of the campaign donations as he ran for President. “I was hoping to last a few months through this endeavor. But I also wanted to make it clear that I wasn’t a serious candidate. So I started out by insulting liberty and everything the country stood for. I mean really, what kind of conservative would ever use the word “common good” in the title of their book. I spent hours praising my character’s communist grandfather as if he was the greatest hero the world had ever known. I spent whole speeches insulting everything the Tea Party stood for. But no one called me on it. I really think we have a severe problem with the media in this country and their utter inability to fact-check anything.”

“I mean I went so far as to say individualism doesn’t work and has never worked in a country where individualism works. How did I not get called on this?”

Brooke says that even he got tired of having to top himself. “Really pretending I was so stupid I didn’t quite understand I had lost Michigan, I think was going a little too far, but I was just getting so tired of it all.”

"Look at this picture," Brooke commented, "if this guy actually existed the inanimate object would be the smartest thing in that shot."

About the last days of his campaign Brooke said, “I knew I was running out of material when I just had to stop pretending to believe in basic math. I got so desperate I borrowed a page from carrot top and started carrying around a prop everywhere I went.”

Now that he has come out about his secret Brooke says he intends to hang up the Rick Santorum character for good. His new plans are to move to Massachusetts with his long time fiancé Kerry Bruce and open a small restaurant and dinner theater operation.

“If I never see another sweater-vest again, it will be too soon.” Brooke said at the end of his press conference.

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2 Comments

Filed under Humor, politics, Rick Santorum

2 responses to “April Fool’s Day News Flash: The Truth About Rick Santorum

  1. Oh if only it where true…

  2. Pingback: The One Day A Year Where Being an Asshole Is Encouraged | The Snark Who Hunts Back

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